Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never mess with quiet people. You never know what they're thinking, and it could just be where to hide your body

   I sure hopes they're wrong about the world ending in 2012. I'd hate to think I wasted the last couple years of my life on Facebook with you guys ;)

   "I could watch him play video games for hours," - said no one's wife, ever.

   I swear it wasn't me that drew a d!ck on your face after you passed out. I traced it.

   My wife says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   dear Friday, I'm ready..

   I can choose to let it define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me or I can choose to move the f*ck on and leave it behind me.

   Dear Taco Bell, your 35% shreds of beef are like delicious shriveled delicacys of bliss and happiness from the rainbow of a dsylexic leprekuan... But I'm a carnivore and need at least 70% real meat to continue eating your contramptions.... Please work on

   Dont you just hate it when someone asks you to guess their age, and then you minus off 5 years of what you really think, hoping its enough?

   Hey guy next to me at the urinal, it's not a shake weight, KNOCK IT OFF... I hate using the bath room at Hooters.

   Blackberries are like girls, they only work when you rub one little button. iPhones are like men. One touch, anywhere and they respond.

   MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: A passenger side drive-thru window for their complicated orders.

   Cougar sightings in my neighborhood over the past couple days... I'm going to lay out a trap in my yard with Journey's 'Greatest Hits' and a nice cabernet.

   Sometimes when I tag someone in a pic I whisper "you're it."

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

   Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.

   We live in a society that's the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.

   The American Music Awards are so predictable... I didn't win a single award again this year...

   When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

   Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards