Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them
←Rate | 02-10-2018 08:13 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
←Rate | 07-20-2017 00:25 Comments (1)  

   messageicon The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
←Rate | 09-08-2017 07:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.
←Rate | 09-24-2017 22:08 by EverybodyLovesRaytard Comments (0)  

   messageicon Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."
←Rate | 09-28-2017 20:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.
←Rate | 10-15-2017 00:37 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
←Rate | 07-06-2017 12:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
←Rate | 07-31-2017 14:53 by Corn Squeezins Comments (1)  

   messageicon Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.
←Rate | 07-14-2017 07:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I look at you, I can hear music.
←Rate | 12-05-2017 04:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 04:10 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
←Rate | 11-08-2017 21:26 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're constantly stirring the pot, not only should you be required to lick the spoon, but also have that spoon jammed up your butt. Perhaps that's your goal anyways.
←Rate | 11-17-2017 01:02 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Hillary Duff and Beyonce say they are sending their prayers to Houston. I feel like such a jerk. All I sent was money.
←Rate | 08-29-2017 13:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can’t say that President Trump hasn’t Tweeted you well.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 19:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.
←Rate | 12-17-2017 00:50 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just ate a box of stove top stuffing in my underwear while laying on the couch. So if you're looking to me for something inspirational, you should probably look elsewhere.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 12:40 by JohnY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
←Rate | 04-28-2017 07:51 Comments (2)  

   messageicon If you don't own a dog whistle you can use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.
←Rate | 07-11-2017 09:33 Comments (0)  

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