minnie haha Funny Status Messages

   I’m depressed and a bit humbled. I just found out Gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a Japanese horror movie monster.

   Advice please. I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had “you win” written on it. Do I celebrate with white wine or red?

   Quick! When the hunky bartender gets the security guard and points at you; that means he's interested right? I think I’m going to drink for free the rest of the night...

   ahhhhh....the muscle relaxers are finally kicking in.....they work SO much better when you take them with a half bottle of vodka. Wonder why it doesn't recommend that on the prescr

   I remember the first guy who broke my heart. Well look at me now, Jason! I talk about mundane stuff and drinking escapades to perfect strangers on the Internet. I got a lot going on, dude. You had your chance!

   What's this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?

   I would have gotten a lot more back on my taxes if I could claim co-dependents.

   Just lit a cigarette off the stove...in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills.

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman wearing spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Blubber hugging lady leggings".

   Happy Mardi Gras! Laissez les bon temps Roule! And hopefully, when you wake up you don’t discover a Tattoo of "Beignets Rule" on your a$$.....do not ask me how I know this.

   I just realized that since my birthday is in January - that means I was probably conceived on April Fools Day....that explains a lot, actually

   Well that was disappointing. Not only was his name not Leonid - there were no meteors in his shower at all. I don't even think he was an astronomer.

   Twinkies are like Val Kilmer, bloated, saturated in fat, and no one’s had them in their mouth since the 80's.

   Gong Xi Fa Ca! Happy Chinese New Year! And hopefully, when you wake up after two too many mai tais, you don’t discover a Tattoo of "Yu Bang Mi Nao" on your a$$.....do not ask me how I know this.

   F.Y.I.: FaceBook will be closed February 29, 30 and 31st. Please make a note of it.

   You Know You Are Too Drunk to Go Trick-or-treating:...When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over... When the door opens, you yell "Trick or...." and you can't remember the rest...

   When filling out a resume, is "Facebook friends" capitalized? Asking for a friend....

   Actually, my ancestors are from the County just down the road from County Cork. Perhaps you've heard of County Screw Top?

   Discovery Channel - Conspiracies and Myths "Finding The Tooth Fairy" is on...... I hope they find her, that biotch still owes me money from when I was 6.

   So, the Pope is resigning, eh? Perhaps I shouldn't have poked him so many times....but, in fairness - HE started that poke war to begin with.