Baddie Funny Status Messages

   You may remember me from such events as ruining Christmas dinner.

   I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.

   Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under car wheels.

   Alright ISIS, Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. You can stop now.

   [in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope

   They're playing Nicki Minaj at the zoo. Wait no, just a couple of chimpanzees fighting.

   This is your captain speaking, we're going to make a slight detour while I search for a Wifi signal

   So you hate me? I had no idea you existed. I guess we're even.

   Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won't be necessary.

   I walked past a car filled with Mexican teens and they locked all the doors. I was feeling like a bad ass until I realized, it was my damn car.

   Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don't want to look like a dork.

   So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion! Some of you must be lying!

   So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion! Some of you must be lying!

   Funny how you can make friends with people just by liking and commenting on their Facebook posts. Then you show up unannounced in the middle of the night at their house and SUDDENLY IT'S WEIRD.

   I am sorry, I can't be a part of this diabolical act. Just kidding. I'll get the shovel.

   Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

   If I get a teardrop tattoo, do the welfare checks come to the house or is it direct deposit?

   It's not my fault you thought I was normal.

   She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we're taking it slow now.

   You'd think the liquor store cashier could at least PRETEND not to recognize me.