Funny Status Messages

   Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!

   Your handwriting is just your hand’s accent.

   We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.

   One way to be hospitable, is to help visitors know when it’s time to leave.

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂

   Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.

   When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.

   When someone says, stop living in the past, I say, but the music was so much better then.

   There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thank you for helping me understand that.

   Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.

   Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.

   How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

   Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.

   I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?

   CDC: Covid is more deadly when people are obese. Gov: “Close The Gyms!”

   Our power went down for nearly 4 hours. I got hungry, panicked and almost resorted to cannibalism. You guys are lucky the power came back on when it did, because some of you look delicious.

   My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.