jitney Funny Status Messages

   Buying someone $1 lottery ticket as a gift and tell them ..."but what if you win".... and look at them light up, while hiding the fact giving them a dollar says they are not worth it!

   "Try googling Google and then hit lucky.....then Bing Bing, and Yahoo Yahoo. If you really bored Bing Google then Google Bing Yahoo" - me at the bar talking to a nerdy girl drunk!

   If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world

   RIP the great #NelsonMandela. Morgan Freeman played you in a film & now you will meet God. Also played by Morgan Freeman.

   For the young folks who don't know who Nelson Mandela is, he was like the Cliff Huxtable to South Africa's Theo.

   Can Ford stop running Black friday ads already...its freaken Sunday already you a-holes!

   I'm furious at how fast people jokkke about celebrity deaths on the internet.

   Looks like the driver owes Walker a 10 second car now

   Oh great now the bill collector is blowing up my phone cuz he thought we got accidentally disconnected....

   All this negativity in the world and I still remain Positive! -Magic Johnson

   For Thxgiving, sent out a noticed to all my wierd family to BYOF menu...that's Bring Your Own Food, cuz I cant keep up with all the Vegans, gulton-free, diabetics, sugarfree, only-carbs diet, no-carbs diet, and the no water diet people in my family.

   Its that time of the year where the work office decides to do secret santa again and this time its under $25....I'm getting my co-worker a pack tooth brush with about $30 worth of tooth paste!

   George Zimmerman has been back and forth to jail for murder, battery, gun charges and now assault and Still keeps getting bail!?!? The Florida justice system is an embarrassment

   I had to switch to the Ipad to see what you wrote on FB.....I just turn it on, and I could of sworn I saw a middle finger come up at the beginning of the screen before it died again...

   You ever look at someone and daydream about them in the most erotic way....yeah that was me today dreaming about my female co-worker shutting the eff up and fixing me a sandwich to eat......

   "I think I can get you a dollar....You gotta be quicker than that" - Geico Fisherman Guy Commercial

   since when did "Thats above my pay grade...." has become the acceptable answer at Mcdonalds?

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck one of Obamacare.org sticker on it... Now it sucks just fine

   The Scariest thing I saw on Halloween is the Dolphins playing the Bengals!

   Its not enough to just be in a relationship, now you have to state what type too? FB is out of control!!! What the heck is a open domestic partnership? That's just pimping ....