hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   You know....spring must be just around the corner....I just saw 2 crackheads pawning a space heater....who needs a dumbass groundhog?

   It's bullsh!t that 1-800-PET-MEDS won't deliver medicinal marijuana to my dog.

   If I'm ever in an accident while driving and updating my status and you're the first person to arrive on the scene, grab my phone and press "Post."

   Louis Vuitton's selling $68 condoms? Fine by me. Anyone idiotic enough to spend that much money on a condom probably shouldn't breed.

   To make sure your neighbor knows it was their car alarm that went off, it can be helpful to put a cinderblock through their windshield.

   Just sang every word of Adele's "Someone Like You" and all this girl said was "Do you understand why I pulled you over?" Rude.

   The hotel is mad at me for getting a haircut in the jacuzzi. Sorry for trying to look nice at a Holiday Inn.

   When I have to make a phone call and it goes to voicemail...I feel like I just won the lottery.

   Hate when I'm having a great day and someone speaks to me.

   If you aren't sure if you like someone, here's a test: imagine they're dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?

   Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don't eat anything else today and tomorrow.

   Ladies. dont jump to conclusions that your boyfriend is cheating just because he never wants you to look at his phone. Its probably just full of porn

   I hate looking for a job almost as much I hate not having a job almost as much as I hate working. It's complicated.

   I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday.

   A night of insomnia is always followed by a morning of browser history clearing.

   The Longest a man can hold out without eating is 4 months but me and my checking account are challenging that.

   Ghandi, MLK and Nelson Mandela are heroes of mine because they preached non-violence and also I don't think they wore Tap Out t-shirts.

   Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.

   The more you know, the less you need to say.

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's next to go.