Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Vegetarians, your boyfriends want to break up with you.

   "You don't have to send your mother anything today, we already paid her enough." - Gay dad

   I can't believe Mary's parents bought that whole "pregnant virgin" thing.

   To all the mothers: Happy Mother's Day. Don't let it go to your head. You are a working double tomorrow.

   You don't know this but right after you leave the restaurant with your crying baby the rest of us applaud.

   I've dedicated my life to getting under age prostitutes off the streets. For an hour or so usually.

   Yesterday I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

   Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like.

   Your dad once had a shop towel that he used to clean up oil and grease. That towel grew up to be Russell Brand.

   I think it's safe to assume that Nick Stahl is dead from an overdose and his body is probably out in the Nevada desert laying against a Joshua tree by now....I mean his character from Terminator wasn't too put together either.

   WIFE: Honey, before we got married, you used to buy me expensive gifts and take me out for dinner and now you don't. Why is that? HUSBAND: B!tch please! Have you ever seen a fisherman giving worms to a fish he has already caught?

   What's the most sensitive part of your body while m@sturbating? Your ears because you're listening for footsteps ... in case someone walks in on you.

   People are tired of hearing about my girlfriend troubles, especially my wife.

   If you think holding in a fart is difficult, try holding in an ethnic joke that JUST crosses the line.

   5 missed calls from your girlfriend means you have missed a good night. 5 missed calls from your wife means....that you are screwed!

   Never judge a girls body from a picture of her face.

   Fellaz: Be the man you pretend to be when you're trying to get pu$$y.

   A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste…

   A day without love, sex or booze is just another day closer to death.

   Checked out Instagram. It's mostly pics of what people had for dinner. I didn't want to feel left out so I took a pic of the sh!t I just took.