StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   If you want a cream pie recipe you just type cream pie in Google and WAIT GRANDMA NO!!!

   My pet peeve: ketchup bottle precum

   I just wanted you all to know that I'm leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I've made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I'll miss all of u, but I've decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!

   Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.

   I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.

   I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.

   Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard

   I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.

   Jersey Shore just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.

   Sorry for my bluntness, that's just how I roll.

   Just brushing my teeth & putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear, "You're going to have to pay for that!" This Wal-Mart sucks.

   Partying, YOLO. Forever alone, SOLO. Marco, POLO. Condom broke, OHNO. You like men, HOMO. B!tches be crazy, FOSHO. Run bro run!, POPO.

   Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss," I assume that means they didn't do it at all and are merely taking credit for it

   I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

   If I woke up beside you every morning, I would be a morning person.

   Do the Chinese realize that when they're visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home", I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors.

   Guys with unibrows, you may think it's unmanly to pluck that sh!t, but it's far more unmanly to never get laid.

   "Hey baby, do you smell that?" "No." "Me neither, start cooking."

   The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I'm kidding, it's her boobs.