Mick F Funny Status Messages

   My daughter came home from school and said that a boy showed her his pen!s. She said it reminded her of a peanut. I said, "Why, was it small? She said, "No, it was salty."

   Buckwheat Word Of The Day: Dictate "I aks Darla wen she give me a bIow job how my dictate."

   A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?" " He goes, "No, arthritis."

   I don't friend request someone just because they have a pretty face. I friend request them if they have a pretty face and big t*ts.

   She won't let me warm my icicle feet on her toasty inner thighs due to the availability of a technology called "socks." WHATEVER.

   I saw two kids today texting each other on their cell phones while standing maybe two feet away from each other. Dear Future: I'm sorry.

   The Rockin' Praise band at your hypocritical Creep Me Out Church doesn't exactly make your ancient 13th century worldview progressive.

   This just in. The following have been arrested for selling counterfeit pizza. Papa John-Hungry Howie-Little Caesar-Cici-Domino-and Chuck E. Cheese. Tear gas was used to bring them out of their hiding place...Pizza Hut.

   The Obamas are on vacation. Someone send a cop car by the White House to make sure Biden wasn't left home alone.

   :B (Guy with buck teeth).

   :E (Guy who doesn't know how to twirl spaghetti).

   :V (Guy who talks out of one side of his mouth).

   Some people have the emotional depth of rainfall collected in a thimble at the Sahara Desert.

   There should be three options for facebook posts. "Like", "Dislike", and "Yep, I'm In The 95 Percentile That Doesn't Get It".

   If ‘ifs' and ‘buts' were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.

   Pretty much all of the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

   I met a cougar online. She said she still turns heads at her age. She was right. When we hooked up, my head did a 360 and I started vomiting green pea soup.

   I hit the 5,000 friends mark today. Which isn't bad, until you realize that I've been on facebook since 1872.

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   My lifetime ratio of bananas purchased to bananas eaten is running about 5 to 1.