@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!' I thought "That's just spam."

   I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs. We haven't had a single customer today.

   BBC News: "Britons are the worst binge drinkers in Europe." - I'm sorry but I think you'll find we're actually the best.

   I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but this is the fifth end of the world I've survived.

   I went for a self-defence class last night. The instructor said, "I want you to take me by surprise and attack me" So when I saw him in Sainsburys the next day I threw a tin of beans at his head.

   The top 5 footballers from the 2010-11 season have been announced: Giggs Cort Given Thomas De Koch.

   Went into the Opticians and told him that I could see 9 years into the future. He examined my eyes and nodded in agreement. "You've got 2020 vision"

   Put a woman in a car and she drives like she's the only one on the road and crashes into everything - Put her on the bumper cars at a theme park and she drives cautiously around the outside and avoids hitting anything.

   My wife said I'm an idiot who can't do the simplest of things right. So I packed her bags and left.

   My dog ate a condom last night. Try explaining THAT to the Vet as it's hanging halfway out of his arse!

   I was just looking through my spam email when I saw this advert. "Pen1s Enlargement - 80% off". That doesn't sound like an enlargement to me!

   "I'm David Beckham, and Harper 7 was my idea"

   Thought of the day: If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

   You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.

   Sky News: Police to use Plastic Bullets. Fu*k me, the Recession has hit us harder than I thought.

   Syria: Riots stop when authorities use tanks. Italy: Riots stop as police fire rubber bullets. Greece: End to riots as police deploy water cannon and tear gas. England: Riots stop... because it's raining. Makes one proud to be British.

   Sexist jokes are wrong and people need to stop post...... Sorry, that was my girlfriend, I left my laptop in the kitchen again.

   England have become the number one cricketing team in the world. We sure showed those 8 other teams.

   My girlfriend called me sad because I always plan things months in advance. That's her off my Christmas card list!

   If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?