Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. Some lucky lady is in for a treat tonight.

   Have you ever seen the Cookie Monsters feet? No. thats diabetes for you.

   Whenever you feel powerless, remind yourself that a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water-park.

   I've never gone down on a man, but I'm probably pretty amazing at it from all the times I've stopped soda fizz from overflowing.

   Its Friday, Anything worth doing is worth doing weird.

   I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.

   I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.

   When does the Brazilian Pole Dancing Team come on?

   I just f@rted so hard, my bluetooth rattled and my phone gave me directions to 3 area hospitals

   I bet The Kardashians' have a ton of leftover white meat on Thanksgiving.

   hoping to be part of a wordless briefcase exchange someday.

   I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.

   For every time a woman replies "fine" to you, you lose a day off your life.

   I can tell I'm getting older because I need flaxseed, coffee, fiber supplements, a laptop, an iPod and a smartphone in order to take a poop.

   So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.

   When measuring your pen!s, you start from your prostate, right?

   Guys do a pretty good impression of a meerkat whenever a pretty girl walks into a crowded bar.

   If a girl got naked in front of me at this point , I'd probably jerk off out of habit, and fold her in half like my laptop when I'm done.

   Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn't wave back so now she's got a new album coming out tomorrow.

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Bentley, Pearl, Life Insurance.