Funny Status Messages

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 7 of 5718

   messageicon A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive
←Rate | 01-09-2018 20:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did
←Rate | 01-18-2018 21:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?
←Rate | 01-30-2018 06:59 Comments (1)  

   messageicon A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.
←Rate | 02-05-2018 23:35 by Jake Comments (2)  

   messageicon I always ask if I can pay in bitcoins now, not because I have any but because I want to be cool
←Rate | 02-07-2018 11:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
←Rate | 02-08-2018 03:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 16:45 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button
←Rate | 02-16-2018 04:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart
←Rate | 02-24-2018 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: Just relax and be yourself. Me: No, you're going to have to pick one or the other.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 07:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sociopath: The Sociopath will always accuse you of doing the very thing that they are Guilty of. They do this to deflect attention from themselves.
←Rate | 11-13-2017 04:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you use the term “butt hurt” a lot, no need for the rainbow sticker. We already know.
←Rate | 11-18-2017 05:19 Comments (1)  

   messageicon People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
←Rate | 06-06-2017 09:49 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I need a leaf blower, but for people.
←Rate | 09-06-2017 14:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I stubbed my toe on a chair and became Kanye west for two minutes
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m all about unity between the human race and truly believe it’s time we all wake up and realize that we’re all in this together. But when a “artist” wins an award at the VMA’s and thanks God and Justin Bieber in the same breath... It makes
←Rate | 11-19-2017 20:43 by Meh! Comments (0)  

   messageicon This is probably not the year to hang mistletoe around the workplace.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 09:18 by MarkM Comments (0)  

   messageicon There should be a reality TV show where anti-capitalist millennials are questioned about what kind of government they want and then sent to a country that closely resembles their version as closely as possible and forced to live there for a few months.
←Rate | 12-18-2017 06:57 Comments (4)  

   messageicon 5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?
←Rate | 08-02-2017 07:45 Comments (1)  

   messageicon If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera
←Rate | 12-16-2017 06:14 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left