Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You call me "Far Right" but I think what you really mean is "Right so Far."

   Boss spelled backwards is double SOB.

   Yes sir, I’ve spent more time in Facebook Jail than they gave Smollett.

   Question, Why don't we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?

   Happy St. Hangover's Day, everybody.

   I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance. Is there something dirty about car insurance we should know about?

   Life lesson #35890: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window.

   What’s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?

   Aren't they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?

   Here's a pretty good sign that you've had too much to drink on St. Patrick's Day: you wake up the next morning and you look in the mirror and you've got that blue 2000 Flushes mustache.

   Marriage tip: Anytime you tell your wife to do something, use your Male-dominated voice and finish it by saying "I HAVE SPOKEN!!!" She will then realize that you are always right, and she will go do what you asked her to do.

   Life is not fair. But it's not fair for everybody. So really it IS fair.

   BREAKING NEWS: So according to my calendar, today is National Alien Abduction Day. In other words, the government has been lying to us. There are aliens! Lol

   When I say your slow, I mean that you are as fast as a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter. That's slow!

   I'm so bored I decided to check out all my female friends' profiles. Some of you have the same boyfriend.

   I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

   A Disney fairy tale has the line "And they lived happily ever after". A modern day fairy tale has the line "If elected I promise."

   Joe Biden will never get my guns because I keep them upstairs.

   Pee pee poo p000

   Marriage tip: If you need to ask your husband a question, but he's playing video games, simply unplug the wireless router. This will teach him that he needs to listen to you, and keep you as the center of his life.