flinnie Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist
←Rate | 04-28-2011 10:03 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm pretty sure that just before I get to Walmart some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping
←Rate | 04-25-2011 05:55 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up.
←Rate | 04-21-2011 02:15 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?
←Rate | 04-19-2011 00:36 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon i farted at work today, and a co-worker complained about the smell. Its air passing over $h!t what'd you expect it to smell like?!
←Rate | 04-18-2011 21:18 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"
←Rate | 04-17-2011 05:50 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd be a terrible fireman, if anyone said their roof was on fire I'd tell'em "You don't need no water, let the mutha f'er burn!"
←Rate | 04-15-2011 05:52 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon For the past 20 years I've been trying to figure out how to "Stop" Collaborate" and "Listen"
←Rate | 04-13-2011 05:50 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm so out of shape, I threw my back out taking a poop!
←Rate | 04-13-2011 05:39 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just got a letter from one of those traffic light cameras. No ticket; just a picture of me with the caption "Nice shirt, douche bag."
←Rate | 04-12-2011 07:54 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want a job naming military operations. It be great to hear a stoic general talk about how "Operation My little pony" was a success
←Rate | 04-10-2011 06:14 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon This world is not going to make any real progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."
←Rate | 04-09-2011 08:46 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon if I ever win the lottery the first thing I'm gonna do is hire a priest, a rabbi and a minister to walk into bars with me
←Rate | 03-28-2011 05:37 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to see a drug commercial that says, "May cause extreme awesomeness."
←Rate | 03-18-2011 09:00 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Did any bad guy in Scooby Doo actually commit a crime? I'm pretty sure wearing a silly mask and scaring people isn't illegal.
←Rate | 03-16-2011 05:54 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon last night I prayed for the Lord to stop me from going bald, and to regrow hair. This morning I woke up with a 6 inch hair growing out my ear. Well played Lord, Well played
←Rate | 03-12-2011 17:29 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon to all the dead beat dads that messed up their daughters...thanks! Sincerely every guy that likes strippers
←Rate | 03-08-2011 04:33 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Money talks, and unfortunately mine only can say "goodbye!"
←Rate | 03-04-2011 05:45 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather
←Rate | 02-02-2011 05:01 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon just read wikileaks next bombshell is that Captain Crunch was actually only rose to the rank of Ensign
←Rate | 01-30-2011 05:06 by flinnie Comments (0)  



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