flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I have nothing in common with people that think about work when they're at home. I don't even think about work when I'm there.

   Was asked to join the Optimist Club the other day but I just had this feeling that no good would come of it.

   While you're out partying, I'm playing Connect Four with Thin Mints, by myself. Who's the loser now? Not me I've won 5 sleeves times in a row.

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I mean EVERY TIME! It's freakish and it can't really be safe.

   If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck WHAT IS IT DOING HERE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP

   If you'd asked me to guess which groups would be really into wearing sunglasses, I would not have gotten 'blind people.'

   Five Secrets of Successful People: 1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets

   If I'm ever in a coma, promise me you'll slip pizza into my IV.

   Welcome to passive aggressive training. None of you appear to be very bright... but I'm sure you'll do great!

   Do athletic people not know about Netflix?

   FACT: being a constant delight just comes naturally to me.

   The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.

   When I'm on my deathbed, I'm definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.

   I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

   Sarcasm needs its own font

   Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies.

   Made it to that level of dad where I just called dibs on the TV that I bought in the house that I own with the cable I pay for.

   I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff.

   No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

   Made eye contact with a stranger today. Turns out strangers don't like it when you touch their eyeballs.