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flinnie Funny Status Messages
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I have nothing in common with people that think about work when they're at home. I don't even think about work when I'm there.
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08-08-2015 06:04 by
flinnie
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Was asked to join the Optimist Club the other day but I just had this feeling that no good would come of it.
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08-08-2015 06:08 by
flinnie
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While you're out partying, I'm playing Connect Four with Thin Mints, by myself. Who's the loser now? Not me I've won 5 sleeves times in a row.
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08-08-2015 06:13 by
flinnie
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I mean EVERY TIME! It's freakish and it can't really be safe.
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08-08-2015 06:56 by
flinnie
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If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck WHAT IS IT DOING HERE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP
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09-04-2015 16:05 by
flinnie
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If you'd asked me to guess which groups would be really into wearing sunglasses, I would not have gotten 'blind people.'
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09-04-2015 16:10 by
flinnie
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Five Secrets of Successful People: 1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets
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09-25-2015 17:22 by
flinnie
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If I'm ever in a coma, promise me you'll slip pizza into my IV.
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10-03-2015 10:04 by
flinnie
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Welcome to passive aggressive training. None of you appear to be very bright... but I'm sure you'll do great!
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10-03-2015 10:07 by
flinnie
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Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
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10-12-2015 09:36 by
flinnie
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FACT: being a constant delight just comes naturally to me.
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10-12-2015 09:39 by
flinnie
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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
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10-12-2015 09:44 by
flinnie
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When I'm on my deathbed, I'm definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
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11-21-2015 07:11 by
flinnie
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I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
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01-08-2016 18:13 by
flinnie
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Sarcasm needs its own font
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01-08-2016 18:31 by
flinnie
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Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies.
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01-30-2016 21:53 by
flinnie
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Made it to that level of dad where I just called dibs on the TV that I bought in the house that I own with the cable I pay for.
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02-08-2016 07:21 by
flinnie
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I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff.
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02-08-2016 07:26 by
flinnie
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No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
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05-20-2016 19:20 by
flinnie
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Made eye contact with a stranger today. Turns out strangers don't like it when you touch their eyeballs.
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3
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06-05-2016 15:59 by
flinnie
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