Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

   I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

   I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

   Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

   thank you for keeping me sober facebook....you are another source of support and you dont have any idea...i check in with friends and it keeps me busy...thank you

   if we all have underware we like and don't like why don't we throw away the ones we don't like and buy more of the ones we do like.

   Bills travel at twice the speed through the post than cheques.

   because we didn't evolve from CURRENT apes... we evolved from a comman ancestor whose population was split and separated geographically 6 million years ago and evolved in different directions. DUH!

   says if you want to feel skinny, hang out with a group of fat people.

   The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

   Move like Michael Jackson, Tonight on BBC 3, Is a contest,to find out who can move like Micheal Jackson....Am I alone in thinking,that really all the winner needs to do,is lie down & be still for half an hour ?

   What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

   Christmas Card $3.00 Brand new "Shrek" dvd $20.00 Gift wrap $2.00 The look of disappointment in a childs face when you tell them santa isn't real - PRICELESS !!!

   note to self: they all look the same when the lights are out,

   No outfit is complete without a few dog hairs :)

   I have kleptomania. But when it get's bad,i take something for it.

   OFFICE MEMO: Mrs. Waite is doing all my work today. If you're in a rush for it,go to Helen Waite

   Sam Adams Triple Bock.....14% alcohol? Seriously? One of these is like 3.5 Coronas! .......Danger Will Robinson!

   Walked by A Maternity Clothes Store today and there was a "Please Come Inside" sign on the door. Duh, Why do you think they need Maternity Clothes