flinnie Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
←Rate | 03-12-2015 05:36 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon My super power? forgeting what I’m talking about halfway through a sentence
←Rate | 03-12-2015 05:39 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace
←Rate | 03-14-2015 06:36 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Heard a dad say "Keep rolling your eyes and maybe, one day, you'll find a brain back there." #fatheroftheyear
←Rate | 03-14-2015 16:20 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Go shawty, it's a green light~50 cent in traffic
←Rate | 03-19-2015 13:54 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.
←Rate | 03-30-2015 04:48 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"
←Rate | 04-02-2015 05:36 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
←Rate | 04-02-2015 05:37 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to have to get out of the car."
←Rate | 04-17-2015 13:33 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
←Rate | 04-21-2015 05:07 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
←Rate | 04-29-2015 12:23 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon My superpower is saying "you too" after the waitress giving me my food says "enjoy your meal."
←Rate | 04-30-2015 12:09 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Son needed a topic for his science project and I suggested "A Science Project That Wasn't 100% Completed By Dad."
←Rate | 05-13-2015 05:26 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just had salmon, raspberries & pine nuts for supper. Somewhere, out there, a grizzly bear is searching for his soulmate.
←Rate | 05-22-2015 05:14 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I could never hate someone for their political views when I can hate them for the way they chew.
←Rate | 06-02-2015 11:23 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 16:59 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm funnier online than in person, and funnier in print than online, but I'm at my funniest when you have no interaction with me at all.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:04 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon A new study shows that as people get older women retain memory better than men. This just proves that thing my wife told me...
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:37 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, bite like a mosquito, carry 100 times your body weight like an ant.
←Rate | 07-05-2015 19:36 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day cleanse in 3 hours and 15 minutes.
←Rate | 07-05-2015 19:44 by flinnie Comments (0)  



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