Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this cold weather doesn't bother me. It's the weaklings who b!tch about it that get on my nerves.

   A man in Washington D.C. was apprehended by the Secret Service for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, this is probably the last time Joe Biden ever takes Ambien.

   Scientists now say that within 40 years, robots will be doing most of the jobs we don't want to do, especially illegal robots from Mexico.

   Spent two hours trying to lick his elbow...brought back memories of an akward time during puberty

   Someone stole my identity...its okay though, they gave it back when my kids called him daddy

   took a viagra pill today but it got caught in my throat and not I have a stiff neck.

   I'm worse at doin my best

   says the hardest part of being independent is that people may think you're better off alone.

   says the sad part of being strong is that nobody bothers to ask when you're hurt.

   just her or did anyone else think we would be living like the Jetson's in 2010?!

   it just her or did anyone else thing we would be living like the Jetsons in 2010?!

   Honk if you love Jesus! Text while you drive if you want to meet him!

   wonders if Conan O'Brien feels like the red headed step child of NBC? .....oh wait, he does have red hair!

   "A lion attacks a bull of eats him in just a few minutes.When he is done he lets out a loud roar.while he is roaring a hunter comes and shoots the lion killing him instatly.Moral of the story:when you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut!!

   Winter always reminds to think ahead for the springtime...meaning...gotta find somewhere to hide the bodies when the snow thaws.......

   Dont think he gonna watch the african nations cup... 347 shots and only 3 on target..?

   you are part of my 99 problems.

   Can Kill Two Stones With One Bird.

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did

   A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it