Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life gave me LeMoNs. . . So I mixed it upp to be sweet and got MeLoNs!

   It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt

   There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

   To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

   Long live the Spork!

   Peace of mind makes the body healthy, but jealousy is like a cancer.

   I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn't pronounce it.

   Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.

   I only drink to make other people seem interesting.

   Believe nothing of what you hear, and only half of what you see.

   There is nothing sadder in this life than to watch someone you love walk away after they have left you. To watch the distance between your two bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space and silence

   to honor MLK's memory, how about a day OF work for everybody this year?

   For Sale: Lots of snow, you Haul!!!

   Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?? I put in a bid for a "Mickey Mouse outfit" and now it seems I am only 15 minutes away from owning the "Dallas Cowboys Football Team"..

   Fire them...all of them! It's time to make a change Jerry...

   It must be so easy to be an NFL quarterback. Especially if you have a helmet with a star on it. All you have to do is dance around a little, fall down as soon as someone gets near you, then collect your millions.

   Did you hear that there's a "no fly" zone over San Diego on Sunday...... a huge lightning storm is coming....... grounding all "Jets"......GO BOLTS!!!

   And what if we all proceeded to a total destructuring of a paradoxical, macropterous relentlessly terrigenous abiotrophy using the timeless quadriform viewpoint of continuous kleptomania antisepsis?

   it was all good just a week ago.

   accidentally gave himself a "Dutch Oven".