flinnie Funny Status Messages

   When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "you did this."

   As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it's important that you lower your expectations.

   Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry.

   a guy on Maury found out he was not the father and said "it dont take blood to be a daddy" but actually it does. all dads have to have blood

   if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger

   Everyone hates planes babies are just honest about it

   It's time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it's over

   People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald’s scare me.

   My favorite part about the Patriots cheating is it means they didn't have confidence in Brady's skill.

   Not really supposed to say anything yet, but… I joined Blink 182. Gonna take it in a super fun new direction.

   Why would I dance like nobody's watching? People need to see this.

   The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club

   My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

   When life throws you a curveball, try to duck so it hits someone else.

   My wife wanted two cats but I am the man in this house so we got two cats

   Adulthood is fun because by the time you're finally old enough to go out whenever you want you're too tired to do it.

   Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?

   My super power? forgeting what I’m talking about halfway through a sentence

   You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace

   Heard a dad say "Keep rolling your eyes and maybe, one day, you'll find a brain back there." #fatheroftheyear