Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

   My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

   Everyone saying the world has gone mad while pointing at each other is proof the world has gone mad.

   Today is the one-year anniversary of our two-week lockdown.

   Accidentally parked in a ‘reserved for witches’ spot. When I got back there was a note on my windshield that said “you will be toad.”

   I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

   I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

   Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

   I may be ugly but I'm vaccinated!

   You know you are getting old when you can remember Tom Sellick’s first rodeo

   I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people...

   Vegas taking bets on Texas and Mississippi having an even worse 3rd wave? I'm itching to put money down on that.

   It appears that Donald Trump got vaccinated. Now I have no choice to get it too, because I don't want my God, Trump, to be angry at me.

   I can't wait for tomorrow when Trump will officially be president again. Love to see those libs cry.

   What happened to all the people who were gonna die in Florida because fans celebrated after the Super Bowl a month ago? Libs know the jig is up on the panicdemic.

   I see Trump is still living rent free in the heads of those who live rent free... in mommy and daddy's basement.

   I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

   Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

   A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

   Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies