Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just saw a bumper sticker on the back of a Toyota today that said: "I Brake for NOTHING!"

   You know it's been a good night when you throw your panties at the wall and they stick there.

   Lindsay Lohan is a dumbass. I think I'm going to sue E*trade too because my daughter's name is Lindsay and she has name recognition too!

   I like my women like I like my coffee...hot and bitter!

   My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...

   Spring is almost here! Happy people walking, kids playing outside, dog sh!t everywhere.....Life is grand!

   You can get more things accomplished with a kind word and a gun, then just a kind word alone, "Al Copone"

   I love spending time with the woman of my dreams, it's the waking up and needing a cold shower bit I hate.

   Feels sorry for skinny people, I know this girl who is so skinny that she has to run around in the shower just to get wet....

   If you're not living on the edge,you're taking up too much space.

   pissed when I wake up in the morning and dont feel like P.Diddy.

   Monday's are like bowel movements. Sometimes they pass smoothly and sometimes you have to get in, sit down, shut up and hold on!

   Announcing that your parents used to be cool hippies who went to Woodstock is probably not only a lie, but it also does not change the fact that they have a loser for a child.

   Sometimes it's just easier to pay someone else than to try to do it yourself… especially when that something is Proctology.

   fun facts of the day: Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks, all of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20, and Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.

   IT ME OR WHENEVER YOU PULL OUT A PACK OF GUM EVERYONE IS SUDDENLY YOUR FRIEND??

   I just bumped into a guy wearing a camouflage jacket. I really didn't see him.

   I dont have an attitude you just get on my damn nerves....

   that was one nasty hotel , They stole MY towel

   from a real tough neighborhood. he bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.