Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The left will blame Donald T for all of Joe B's failures because it's easier than admitting they elected the wrong guy.

   Marriage tip #1: If your wife asks you if the outfit she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym like she ran her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Marriage tip #2: If your wife is acting kind of tired, to help her out, you can make her a to-do list. And when you give it to her, she will be thankful that you did all the thinking work for her.

   Kamala has had more politicians in her than the White House, the Capitol and the Lincoln Memorial combined.

   My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

   Don't Yuck someone else's Yum !

   Marriage tip #1 & #2: Sleeping on the couch with the dog isn't all that bad. It kind of reminds you of camping out.

   I spent a year once in a two week lockdown to flatten the curve...

   Ginger bread man give good sloppy toppy

   Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

   My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

   Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.

   Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

   Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

   My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

   Hate how my automatic spell checker turns sentences like "I'd be happy to work for you" into "I'd be happy to twerk for you" which would be great if I was looking for a job as a Chippendale dancer.

   Presidents day is canceled until we get one.

   Hey! Who remembers seeing men on tv ripping phone books in half? Hey! Who remembers phone books? Hey! Who remembers men?

   I hate how documentaries make me feel guilty for throwing straws into a turtle's egg nest.

   you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now