Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and say breathing hard or hardly breathing!

   For English: Press 1, Para Espanol: Move to mexico...

   stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house but two people died...

   Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead......

   Wishing I was still in Grade School:( Miss taking naps in the middle of the day, snack time and recess. The part I miss the most is when you were bad, that hot middle aged Teacher spanked you with her wooden paddle.

   sometimes stops when walking into a store, waiting for the automatic doors to open. Then I realize they aren't automatic.

   it rude of me to ask the nice philipino girl at the new Comcast Call Center (in the phillipines) to transfer me back to America? She lied and said her name was Mary.. We all know her name was NOT Mary.

   Biggest Social Networking Crime: You haven't seen someone for years; you vaguely recognize their name but not their face. They add you as a friend on Facebook and then after you accept them, you never hear from them again.

   Facebook 101: Seriously, if you've got something to say to someone, say it to them DIRECTLY. Don't post it on your wall for everyone else to see because no one else is interested, and people will just think you're a egotist.

   just released a new drink which contains Viagra instead of caffine called.... Mount -n-do

   A girl's legs are her best friends...but even the best of friends must part.

   singing.... is singing....old macdonald had tourettes e -i - e -i F%*K!

   When people say they've "tied the knot",they mean they got married. Or tied a knot around their neck. Which is the same thing anyways.

   I have a step ladder never knew my real ladder

   Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kid pointed to his crotch all day and said "woody!"

   If anyone can figure out how to be indoors and outdoors at the same time, it will be a cat.

   attention walmart customers, obama has officially declared that the drug war has ended, we will be selling marijuana, crack, cocaine and heroin on isle 7. thank you and have a nice day

   I'm so going to Hell now! ..... The good news is I'll see a lot of familiar faces... I CALL SHOTGUN!!

   defeat is not the worst of failures, not to have tried is the true failure!

   the most successful people are those who are good at plan B.