Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've learned that if you say you're a bad liar, you can pretty much lie about anything.

   feels it's "BEER O'CLOCK"

   A girl who wants nothing deserves everything...A girl who wants everything deserves nothing

   madder than a midget without a show on TLC.

   will take "same sh*t different day" for $200.00, please

   Some people think it's wrong I refer to a co-worker as "the little abortion that got away."

   On the road to success, and whoever in my way.............ROADKILL.......

   now answering the phone at work with the following greeting: "Mercy Hospital, Psychiatric Ward, Dr. Lechter speaking..."

   Deer Jesse James, Thank You. From, Tiger Woods

   The POKE button is getting old on Facebook, I want to see a CHOKE or BODY SLAM option!

   "Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure"

   Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna' be a great day.

   Went to see Hot Tub Time Machine... turned out to be raunchy, simple-minded, sophomoric, crude, brainless, poorly executed slapstick. Yep, it was right in my wheelhouse.

   Inefficiency: Getting a letter in the mail saying a census is coming next week, then a census form a week later, then a postcard a week later saying a census came a week earlier.

   The bad news is that Tiger Woods and Jesse James admit to being sex addicts. The good news is that there's a club for that called The Rest of the World. They meet daily with other people with unique problems like "I work too hard for not enough money."

   At the end of each work day, I have a strong urge to sidekick the elevator down button, suppressed only by my desire to maintain employment

   I'm always caught a little off guard when an airport security checkpoint worker shows symptoms of having a personality.

   I wonder if tennis ballboys brag about their "gets" to each other. "You see that? I grabbed the $hit out of that ball! School's in session, boys. I am lightning!"

   Those 7 dwarfs mine 100 karat diamonds all day and still live in a $hitty little cottage. What the hell are they saving up for?

   Yes I know that "IMHO" means "In my humble opinion." In my humble opinion you are calling yourself a ho every time I read it.