Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

   If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

   I don't go to the mailbox because that's where the Responsibility Monster lives.

   I successfully said "Worcestershire sauce" today!

   I'm thinking of opening up a restaurant called "meatballs and tea" and have billboards on the highway advertising it with the slogan "even if you don't like our balls, you can still come in for a tea bag"

   The coin shortage didn't work. Go ahead and mail the mystery seeds.

   So in retrospect, in 2015, no one got the answer right to the question, "Where do you see yourself in 2020?"

   I've heard a lot about Karen lately but what about Felicia. Did she finally leave?

   Her: What sign are you most compatible with? Me: Krispy Kreme's hot and ready sign.

   Of course Ellen DeGeneres is being taken to task for being a c**t. All Iesbians are.

   The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

   My dog and I have the same schedule: 6 AM: Wake up 7 AM: Eat breakfast 8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn 9 AM: Play 10 AM: Nap

   [restaurant] waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before? me: no but I know how to order food

   One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays. I think about that a lot.

   Grim Reaper: I have come for you Grim Reaper’s Wife: You don’t have to say that every time we do it

   I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

   If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country

   Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

   Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term Me: Don’t kid yourself

   Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.” Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.