andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Seems like my body should have better things to do than make ear hair.
←Rate | 08-21-2014 05:32 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes, I do the opposite of what my GPS tells me to do just to hear the the slight panic in it's robotic voice.
←Rate | 06-13-2015 06:46 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love my kid but I'm still going to eat his fries when he goes to the bathroom then lie to his face about it.
←Rate | 04-11-2015 22:07 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just saw a guy wearing uggs get arrested. Not sure what for, but I'm hoping it was because he was wearing uggs
←Rate | 01-16-2014 01:25 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn't go out of business or something.
←Rate | 04-18-2014 06:41 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ugh. New Year's Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven't picked out which gang sign I'm going to hold up in photos
←Rate | 12-30-2013 07:18 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
←Rate | 04-18-2014 06:38 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
←Rate | 11-03-2016 06:00 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I read that cucumber slices over your eyes reduce puffiness and wrinkles but they just made me drive into a tree
←Rate | 04-03-2016 19:38 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dressed my snowman up as a security guard, and then I put him out in front of a snow bank.
←Rate | 12-10-2013 11:09 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure
←Rate | 01-27-2015 05:35 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you've ever seen a foal being born then you pretty much know what it looks like to watch me get out of a beach chair.
←Rate | 08-08-2015 06:14 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
←Rate | 08-19-2014 06:30 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
←Rate | 03-06-2014 05:15 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACT: I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
←Rate | 07-07-2013 15:52 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.
←Rate | 05-31-2013 06:17 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just my normal Saturday, trimming my bonsai tree and teachin' the new kid in my building some karate
←Rate | 01-17-2015 16:06 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
←Rate | 01-10-2014 05:33 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I was in Mad Max I would be the guy who can't figure out how to turn the windshield wipers off.
←Rate | 05-17-2015 13:31 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just once I'd like the world's oldest person headline to end with "fends off bear."
←Rate | 09-19-2013 11:00 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  



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