huck Funny Status Messages

   I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.

   Trying to quit electronic cigarettes by smoking real ones.

   I have 2 hairstyles – cute and homeless

   The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I've decided to start growling.

   Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.

   I'll be your life coach. Stand up straight. Don't ever wear that in public. Speak properly. That will be 800 dollars. Cash.

   Beginning to wonder if starting each work day with 5 straight hours on Facebook may be kneecapping my productivity.

   I don't think I could ever stab someone... I mean lets be honest. I can barely get the straw through a Capri Sun

   My ideal job would be "guy in infomercial who is legitimately baffled by simple, everyday tasks"

   I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad

   All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids

   Don’t try calling me back after you miss my call. I make 3 calls a year. You blew it.

   How long do I need to be in therapy before I forget the time in gym class when I was hit in the stomach with a dodge ball and farted?

   If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die

   I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.

   Don't run with scissors -- unless you're stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!

   Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.

   Does anyone really believe Bobby Brown even knew what a prerogative was?

   So if oil is made from decomposed dinosaurs, and plastic is made from oil...then plastic dinosaurs are made from REAL dinosaurs?

   I dream of a universe where world leaders rush to comment on entertainment news as quickly as entertainers rush to comment on world affairs.