minnie haha Funny Status Messages

   presently poking others but your poke is important to her. Please stay online and your pokes will be returned in the order they were received. Approximate wait time is five minutes.

   My teleporter’s broken, I've lost my superpowers, and my sidekick is out of town. Only one last hope for humanity: Must... get.... the... cork... out... of... this... wine.... bottle.....

   I am now officially F.U.I. = facebooking under the influence ;)

   I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it...

   Limited time offer for my middle linebacker friends....I will be your imaginary girlfriend.....but you had better show up at my funeral, dammit.

   If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.

   What a shock! Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're husband alive again, leave $100,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Darby Street". Seriously, does no one know the difference between 'your' and 'you're' anymore?

   Screw doing sit ups...teddy bears don't and everyone loves them.

   I met a new client at work last week, but I made a total fool of myself when he introduced himself. Apparently 'Neil' is his name, not a command. On the bright side - I did get the contract, though.

   That's right sexy fella, I see you over there, looking at me, locking eyes with me, pointing at me, whispering to the policeman "that's her"......

   At least I have all day sober to Sunday up.....

   My conscience is clear...because I soak it in vodka.

   Either my spidey senses are tingling, or my foot just fell asleep....

   A relationship is like a house. If a light bulb goes out, you don’t buy a new house. You fix the light bulb.....Unless the house is a total jerk-off. In that case, you burn that sucker down and buy a better house with good light bulbs.

   I tripped while getting on the escalator and fell down the stairs.....for 2 hours.

   I'm going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn't matter... something's gonna die tonight.

   My friend said I was a horrible wing man last night, but I'm not sure. I ate like 90 of them for Christ sake..

   Whatever Dude..I say That By eating this vodka with a spoon it officially becomes a soup and is therefore healthy..... So Kiss Off

   Whew! Twelve miles on the treadmill today! And by "treadmill" I mean "bar stool" and by "miles" I mean "beers."

   If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”