andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
←Rate | 03-02-2015 06:03 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Mine's against giant radioactive sloths. Yours?
←Rate | 02-22-2015 07:14 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't even know why I bother. Every time I get my car washed, the next day I drive into the back of a manure truck while texting.
←Rate | 02-22-2015 07:13 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACT: your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate
←Rate | 02-20-2015 06:00 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Breaks my heart that pirates spend their whole lives following a map, when the real treasure is the friendships they build along the way.
←Rate | 02-20-2015 05:43 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying
←Rate | 02-20-2015 05:32 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon To make a long story short quit right in the middle
←Rate | 02-20-2015 05:29 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do baby clothes have pockets? What do they need them for..baby wallets?
←Rate | 02-17-2015 13:42 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon 1st sneeze: Bless you. 2nd sneeze: Bless you 3rd sneeze: Get out of my life until you are finished with whatever this is
←Rate | 02-17-2015 13:41 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd like to be drunk with power but I've never even been buzzed. I'm like the designated driver of power.
←Rate | 02-17-2015 05:02 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too
←Rate | 02-14-2015 10:27 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
←Rate | 02-09-2015 09:30 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Waiter, is the chicken cage-free? Yes, they've never seen a Nicholas Cage movie. Not even Con-Air?! That's a classic! Fine, I'll have the steak.
←Rate | 02-08-2015 06:14 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Momma left strict instructions to knock you out
←Rate | 02-02-2015 05:44 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't.
←Rate | 02-02-2015 05:43 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some people are like eye-candy... I'm more like eye-meatloaf.
←Rate | 01-29-2015 12:27 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only F word out a woman's mouth that scares me is "fine."
←Rate | 01-29-2015 12:26 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure
←Rate | 01-27-2015 05:35 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
←Rate | 01-27-2015 05:34 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
←Rate | 01-26-2015 07:37 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  



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