@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   What does Spurs, Arsenal and Paul McCartney have in common? They all get excited over one leg.

   NEWS: Lady Gaga to do naked skydive for charity. You've got to admire her balls.

   Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself with these f-kin mind games?!

   MSN News: Hippo caught on camera chasing boat. I think you'll find it was my wife, and she was Waterskiing.

   I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, ''I love you.'' She said, ''Is that you or the beer talking?'' I replied, ''It's me... talking to the beer!''

   The Sun... Woman dies after having special resin injected into buttocks... Gavin from Autoglass has gone too far this time!

   A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?" The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."

   A late Valentines Day card fell onto my door mat this morning. I put it straight in the bin because I knew exactly who it was from. It was my postman, I saw him down the driveway, only seconds later.

   My wife was in the passenger seat looking at a map before she asked me what was the quickest way to get to the hospital. "Swap seats" I replied.

   I was on my driving lesson when the instructor said, "You need to change gear." I said, "Sorry I just feel comfortable dressed as a scuba diver."

   I was locked out of my girlfriend's house last night, so I decided to smash her back doors in. Good way to kill the time whilst we waited for the locksmith.

   I went to the chemist and said, "I'd like some deodorant please." The woman said, "Is it the ball deodorant you want?" I said, "No, underarm."

   I've just had a tattoo done on my arse which says, "If you're reading this, we're in prison."

   My mate Alan has been drinking brake fluid for 6 years, but he says he's not addicted. He reckons he can stop any time he wants...

   I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

   I saw a sign earlier that said 'Watch Batteries Fitted Here'. I couldn't see the entertainment in it myself.

   I just heard the local priest singing a bit of "Nuns N' Moses".... "Take me down to the Vatican City where the mass is keen and the boys are pretty."

   Tottenham's bids to sign David Beckham and Phil Neville failed after they missed the transfer deadline... By 7 years.

   My girlfriend is still mad at me because I called her fat last month! Well, you know what they say... Elephants never forget.

   Me and my missus got ready to cuddle up and watch our home made porno. I got up and pressed play, but unfortunately It was finished before I sat back down.