@OMFG_Rel8able Funny Status Messages

   Thought of something brilliant? Just google it, and you will soon realize how uncreative you really are.

   Oh so now I'm invisible to you? That's cool. I've always wanted a superpower.

   Dang, you look better than ever. LOL JK, you've been hittin up McDonalds lately, right?

   Greatest fear in life…. Someone will find a way to retrieve everything I've ever googled.

   Approximately 80% of my regrets involve hitting “send”

   When FB stalking someone & I find out their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

   That unfortunate moment when you accidentally make a fart sound with your chair... and you spend the next 30 minutes trying to recreate the sound so everyone knows you didn't ACTUALLY fart.

   The bipolar emoticon —> :):

   I'm a lazy ass texter, unless you're cute, or I like you.

   Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what's your plan?

   I hate when I see the skinniest people at the gym, Why are you there, YOU WON ALREADY!

   The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children.

   We blame society, but we are society..

   Good new and bad news. Bad news: No good news. Good news: No bad news.

   A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

   Internet Issues: Open a new tab & forget why.

   You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne

   "Daddy tell me a bedtime story!" "Sure honey. Once upon a time, a little girl wouldn't go to bed. Then she died.

   That moment of happiness when you find out that everyone hates the same person you hate

   Go down a water slide while it isn't wet and then you'll understand why foreplay is so important