Nunthewizr Funny Status Messages

   You can say 'strawberry blonde' all you want. I know a fu*king ginger when I see one.

   I don't sweat the small stuff. I let it fill me with rage. Then I drink. Then I sweat alcohol. It's like the circle of life.

   I bet it gets super awkward when hand models ask for jobs.

   So it's okay to kill hookers in video games, but smack one around in real life because you want to negotiate the price and suddenly everyone gets all pissy. Geeze.

   Just found out I have tinnitus from constant exposure to rape whistles.

   Just finished everything that I had on my To Do list for today which was just a drawing of a set of boobs on a Post It note.

   I think it's impossible to play the Wii without looking like you're competing in a relay race for the Special Olympics.

   I think Facebook should have a status limit per day. This is not Twitter, shut the f*ck up, nobody cares.

   Screw Olmpic soccer. If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 mins I'd go watch old security tapes of me sitting at the bar.

   I'll never judge or insult you because of your beliefs. I'm just kidding idiot.

   If getting into heaven is based on how many times you have tried to close the elevator door before someone else gets on, I am screwed.

   Me: Wanna put on our capes and our undies over our pants and go stand on top of a building?

   I wish giants existed because watching them walk into telephone wires would be entertaining.

   I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.

   I wonder if employees for pornography sites get into trouble for looking at non-related work websites during the day. We caught you misusing company time. CNN? Amazon? Bed Bath and Beyond? We're not paying you to look at that kind of crap.

   I love babies wearing sunglasses. They are like little tiny, blind jazz musicians.

   Currently pondering.....for a very curious monkey, why couldn't George ever figure out the name of the man in the yellow hat?

   Whenever I select "Next day delivery" for an online purchase, I imagine all these people running around yelling, "Code Red. Code Red!!" and scurrying like crazy.

   Things I'm confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?

   Fool me once, shame on me. Wait no, it’s shame on you. I think. Anyways, next time I’m gonna stab you.......... a lot.