flinnie Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I was gonna give change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU. So, I held onto it just in case he was right
←Rate | 09-29-2011 07:21 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon "I know" - best response to someone telling you your fly is open
←Rate | 08-05-2011 23:17 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
←Rate | 06-29-2011 17:43 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work
←Rate | 01-01-2012 04:50 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.
←Rate | 12-30-2013 06:36 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACT: that dog can walk on its own, professional dog walkers. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a professional poop collector.
←Rate | 04-30-2013 06:20 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
←Rate | 07-24-2016 07:39 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays
←Rate | 05-09-2012 12:59 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people's backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
←Rate | 12-17-2011 05:02 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.
←Rate | 02-26-2012 07:30 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?
←Rate | 08-06-2014 04:31 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I took one of my wife's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me
←Rate | 10-19-2011 10:53 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings
←Rate | 04-21-2012 05:41 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Admit it, we all feel much worse for the homeless guy's dog than we do for the homeless guy
←Rate | 09-02-2011 04:21 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon We now live in a time where people choose their insurance providers based on who's TV commercial is funnier
←Rate | 01-13-2012 16:02 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."
←Rate | 03-21-2012 09:42 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo
←Rate | 10-15-2011 08:04 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Canadian bacon is just ham wrapped in a lie
←Rate | 07-06-2011 13:21 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace
←Rate | 03-14-2015 06:36 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
←Rate | 09-06-2012 10:20 by flinnie Comments (0)  




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