eengrms Funny Status Messages

   Don't ever say Obama wasn't the jobs president, look how many lawyers he is going to keep employed for the next two years...

   Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online...

   Love your neighbor, but don't get caught...

   Jason Collins is the best ball handler in the NBA...

   I could talk for hours about how good of a listener I am...

   You should be able to pick a theme for your Facebook movie... Because some of you should need to pick drama...

   Strange to have so many people focused on a single woman's pregnancy who are not Texas republican lawmakers...

   Just read that Kate Upton is an heir to a billion dollar fortune... Finally a reason to date her...

   If you ever look in the mirror and wonde if your look is still in style, remember there are still guys with pony tails so you're probably not that bad...

   This regular old moon is stupid...

   What I wanted to do in 2015: drink water and eat healthy. What I actually did in 2015: drink margaritas and eat tacos.

   If the Apple/FBI conflict proves anything, it's that the NSA really doesn't have all of your personal information like people claim...

   So North Korea only has 28 websites. Well we just have Facebook. Wait you mean there are more?

   I hate when you're caught stalking in a tree outside someone's window so you freeze like a squirrel, and they're all like "I can still see you."

   When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian..."

   I knew the season was officially out of control when my dealer offered my pumpkin flavored crack...

   Roger Ebert just gave his doctors two thumbs down...

   Miley was front page news longer than the last school shooting...

   Every time one of my kids complains that the internet is slow, I feel like I'm not adequately preparing them for the real world...

   I would send thoughts and prayers, but I would rather vote and send better politicians...