Jake Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I've been married for 14 years. The bad part, I don't recall ever breaking two mirriors.
←Rate | 03-16-2018 00:16 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why don't witches wear panties? Because they get a better grip on their brooms without them.
←Rate | 10-12-2017 20:07 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I remember how proud my wife was when she taught our baby son how to walk and talk. Now that he's 5 she's trying to teach him to sit down and shut up.
←Rate | 09-23-2017 07:34 by Jake Comments (1)  


   messageicon A medical survey says that masturbating twice a week can increase your life expectancy. If true, I'm going to live forever.
←Rate | 02-06-2018 01:16 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon For the past 20 years I've got a valentine card from a secret admirer. And was sad when I didn't get one this year. Frist my meemaw dies, now this.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 19:29 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife is losing it, she told me she was seeing someone behind my back. But when I turn around there wasn't anyone there.
←Rate | 04-26-2018 14:15 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Most wives don't mind if their husband brings some work home with them to do. But my sister sure does. Her husband is a mortician.
←Rate | 09-01-2017 23:28 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Babies cry at night to prevent their parents from making another one.
←Rate | 01-06-2018 00:34 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
←Rate | 02-28-2018 17:25 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never repeat gossip. So you'll have to listen very carefully the first time.
←Rate | 02-28-2018 17:30 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon How many people with ADHD does it take to change...... ooh butterfly
←Rate | 03-19-2018 15:23 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I phone the child abuse hotline a kid answered the phone and told me to piss off.
←Rate | 05-03-2018 16:24 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Having one child makes you a parent. Having two a referee
←Rate | 04-25-2018 16:18 by Jake Comments (1)  


   messageicon God gave us shins so we could find things in the dark.
←Rate | 05-12-2018 16:53 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Another good feeling. Waking up and realizing that it's sunday and not monday morning. AAAAAH......zzzzzzz.
←Rate | 09-12-2017 21:17 by Jake Comments (1)  


   messageicon To keep the kids occupied all day on Easter, only hide 3 eggs for the Earter egg hunt.
←Rate | 03-09-2018 00:35 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife says I only have two faults. #1. I don't pay enough attention to her. #2. And something else.
←Rate | 04-24-2018 19:04 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 23:09 by Jake Comments (3)  


   messageicon My wife could get a job in earthquake prediction. She can find a fault quicker than anyone.
←Rate | 03-17-2018 23:37 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Teacher: Billy, what rhymes with orange? Billy: No it doesn't.
←Rate | 10-13-2017 17:44 by Jake Comments (0)  


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