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X I'm thinking,, If the plot of Fresh Prince had been reversed, and Carlton had to go live in Philly, it probably would have been on HBO
X Hey Sun-chips way to go,, making a Bio-degradable bag that's so friggin loud my neighbors can hear my junk food addiction,,
X Have we found all of the great singers in America yet?,, I'm worried we might not have found them all....Geesh
X I just hit a guy in a Smart Car with my bicycle.......................he didn't make it
X Anyone checked lately to see if there are still other web sites?
X If I die in my sleep, my programmable coffee-maker is still going to make a full pot in the morning.... Someone will appreciate that.
X Hey,, adorable couples who constantly profess your love for each other via my news feed,,, learn how to text.
X There is a person out there for everyone.... Your person just happens to be five cats
X Ladies,, if you've ever accidentally called a fax machine,,,, you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.
X If this burglar can avoid tripping & bashing his skull open while my cats circle his feet,,, I'll help him load my belongings into his car.
X Had a mishap while making coffee just now that is best explained through interpretive dance...
X Karl Marx was wrong,, Religion is not the opiate of the masses... Facebook is.. Also Angry Birds...and Draw Something
X TIP: A quick way to get your kids out of bed is to go in their room and shout, "What the Heck?!! There are deer in our backyard!! "
X I can't quote it verbatim,, but the mimes have a saying that goes something like this:
X You're supposed to wash arugula before throwing it away,, right?
X I'm pretty sure Subway sandwiches increase in value after the sandwich artist dies.
X I never win at Scrable
X Me??? Oh, just replanting these carrots and onions... We're catch-and-release vegetarians.
X I'm joking about 90% of the time & the other 10% is me being condescending.. Do I need to explain the difference to you?
X I bet all the girls from other planets think the Miss Universe contest is rigged.