Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Would taping or gluing my mustache and beard together meet mask requirements?

   "Name 1 thing you want to try in the bedroom" Her: "Getting a full 8hrs of sleep"

   Thxs for all the b-day wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex, 1dollar Cashapp, bitcoins n Zelle

   Her: Men just want one thing and its disgusting. me- Then you need to wash it!

   $1.4Bil stimulus sent to people who have died when there are folks still waiting for their 1st check? who cashing em?

   How TF Nieman Marcus filed for chpt11 bankruptcy when one of their clothes rack can pay for all of our student loans?

   Can You Still Get Like Regular Sick Or Is Everything Corona?

   During the quarantine we got a better chance of seeing Bigfoot than Howie Mandel

   A mom getting a minivan is like losing one's virginity. It hurts at first, but think of all the stuff they can fit in afterwards.

   Coronavirus - explained in dancing. You and nine friends are dancing together. One friend is dancing while sprinkling glitter. How many friends leave the dance party wearing glitter?

   My 4th of July plans are all set as I'll be celebrating my independence from the Coronavirus by staying home!

   If I had a dollar for eveytime I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream

   The way we're losing the Coronavirus surprised Mexico hasn't paid to finish the wall yet.

   Now that Elmer has been disarmed, prepare for a huge population boom of cartoon rabbits ..

   I tried coke for the first time last night and never again! From now on, I’ll just stick to Pepsi.

   I Have A Cat Name Milk And He Eats Milk

   I Have A Friend Name Nelson And His Nails Are Nasty

   When I Went To The Market I Saw A Lady Carrying A Baby Up Side Down

   You know you're broke when your bank flags deposits as "suspicious activity."

   When I order something online I always put "Cross moat, Slay dragon, Leave item on back porch." in the "Delivery Notes" box.