Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The difference between drinking on St. Patrick's Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is that nobody pretends to be a Mexican.

   I read somewhere that people in the Middle Ages celebrated the end of the plague with orgies. I wonder if anyone has planned anything after this epidemic?

   Then: Teenage girls kept a private diary and got upset if anyone read it. Now: They reveal everything on Facebook and get upset if no one reads it.

   There's probably a guy named Jake who works at State Farm who's had it with all the khaki jokes and is about to go postal.

   Whatever God was smoking when he invented the platypus, I want some of that $h!+.

   Alcohol can cause Depression..Particularly, when you run out of it

   Do you guys blow on your food when it’s hot, or do you hashafashasha til you can chew it?

   Had I known back in March it would be the last time I'd be in a restaurant, I would have ordered dessert.

   When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead. The pain is only felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid

   Everytime I decline a friends request from Jerry Garcia I always wonder what if?

   The lady in front of me at Wal-mart has six kids and is buying a baby gate. I want to tell her a chastity belt might be a better use of the money.

   Bill Gates is telling everyone what to do about the virus but he can't even stop windows from getting a virus...

   I'm not sure I'm excited about ordering a drink at a bar once they open again. The drinks are going to be awfully weak compared to what I've been pouring!!

   It really freaks people out when I use my invisible hula hoop.

   OK, I can understand why you're mad at me, but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.

   I randomly changed all the contact names in my phone. However, I can't remember who they actually are. So far today, I've been texted by Willy Wonka, Spongebob Squarepants, Charlie Sheen, Nancy Pelosi and Jerry Springer.

   I wonder if the offers I had as a kid, "slap you into next year" still stands.

   Good morning. Okay so money can't buy happiness, but it CAN buy bacon. Close enough.

   I'd like to cancel my 6 week trial of socialism please...

   Pro tip: If you have a cat and money is tight, bird seed is cheaper than cat food.