Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Soooo, I went to Home Depot to pick up a power washer and BBQ grill. With everyone wearing face masks 😷I brought home the wrong wife. After shes done with the deck I'm taking her back! 🤣 🤣 🤣

   Two Lessons Learned. One by me, the other by my cat. Me: Always check the dryer before starting. Cat: Never sleep in the dryer ever again.

   You know, with my cats seeming enjoyment for cleaning themselves I’m not sure why they don’t have a cat food called Kibbles & Butts

   We have so much in common. You love to travel and I want you to go

   It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, A beautiful day for a socially distancing neighbor.

   Trying to figure how I know people from their profile picture is making excepting friendships harder and harder with all these masks.

   I heard the government is putting chips inside people... I hope I get Doritos.

   I've got 2 tickets to paradise and it's closed due to Covid. FML

   If you drive by my house and see a bunch of kids scooping dog poop, mind your business. They're on a field trip

   Pavlov is sitting in a bar and the phone rings. Suddenly he screams “Oh crap! I forgot to feed the dogs!“

   Locust swarms. Killer ninja murder hornets. Virus pandemics. You were complaining about Christmas music

   Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at a time

   Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of me to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps

   I planted some bird seeds at home so does anybody know how long it takes for the birds to grow

   This social distancing is stressing out the flat-earthers I’m afraid it may push them over the edge!

   I remember when I was younger you use to be able to eat at restaurants.

   Fear of Corona is on the decline....... Release the Murder Hornets.

   I'm watching a little known show on Netflix called Tearjerker. It's about a guy who cries while he m@sturbates.

   My 5 year plan is to survive this year

   Why do people post things like "my little baby died", playing on your sympathy, and it turns out to be a frigging goldfish.