Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Time flies when you press snooze

   Only in a god-fearing state like Arizona, can you get pulled over, detained, and fined if your name is Jesus

   Does anyone else think that all illegal immigrants should be given a Toyota to drive back across the border?? ;)

   doin a walk threw judge people at the bar when I got hit by a dart, F you KARMA.

   An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea.". Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.".

   Did you say somthing, or did your brain fart..

   trying to give me the finger is like giving a spider the web. I'm just gonna spin it and use it to my advantage =)

   It's kinda bad when other drunk drivers are lookin over at you like "Damn that dude really needs to pull it together"

   so your telling me that facebook is gonna start charging money monthly? You remind of the people that told me that about Hotmail.. TEN YEARS AGO!"

   wants you to read this status... Keep reading it... There, now I have full control over your mind. Now bring me a beer!

   What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

   If I just fly to Arizona without ID and let them deport me to Mexico, would it be cheaper than if I flew directly there?

   Sorry dude. My girlfriend and I had a meeting and we've decided I don't want to hang out with you anymore.

   friend request you on facebook?? woah, slow down we just met. tell me about yourself...oh, you're in the mafia AND you're a farmer? check please.

   It is a universal truth that everything you do is at least 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake anyone up.

   We're all just nudists in disguise...

   some girl told me straight up that she had a boyfriend.. I said well I have a Goldfish! she said what? Oh, I thought we were talking about sh*t that didn't matter."

   so you press the button to hail the elevator, when it doesn't come we press the button again. does a second press hail the elevator faster, if not, why do we do it

   ugh! I just found hundreds of worker ants in my porch and it looks like they are forming some sort of unemployment line.

   no Proctologist, but I know an a$$hole when I see one.