Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   pretty damn sure that Starbucks clearly has no idea we're in a recession.

   used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better

   just read that Alice in Wonderland is rated PG due in part to 'a smoking caterpillar.' I, for one, am so sick of movies glamorizing caterpillars.

   Dear men who are smart and hot and madly in love with me: Please start existing.

   The only thing that could make this pizza better would be an s.

   My futon might pull out, but I don't!

   A friend in Arizona was about to roll a joint but was busted because he didn't have any papers

   69 is the Kamikaze of oral sex. "If I'm going down, you're coming with me!"

   wants you to imagine that I have a big smile on my face. Also, for the hell of it, go ahead & put me in a top hat. .

   One night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore. ...That's why I always ask for a bed with two night stands.

   The truth is, when I start a statement with "the truth is" I'm usually lying my @ss off

   You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for instance, it was a goldfish cracker.

   The list of things I won't eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.

   likes to think that when I squish an ant, its final thought is, "Good. Being an ant blows."

   "Did you say, 'I'd like to meet her?'" Me: No. I said, I'd like to meat her.

   “Facebook is the people you went to school with. Twitter is the people you wished you went to school with.”

   The best relationship is the one that's built on love and lust.. sry sry TRUST

   Z is the last letter in the alphabet because it overslept.

   thought it was called physical education, not physical movement!

   wondering why the chick who flipped me off in the parking lot this morning couldn't find a better use for that finger. She could have been so much happier!