Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New Deluxe never used 2020 planner - super cheap!

   See below: Are you people that dumb!? Now I know why we're in the predicament we are in.

   The buttons on my clothes are starting to social distance themselves from each other...

   Someone want to send Apple an email and let them know we need an iWatch software update...they don't need to keep telling me I need to stand up.. We need an "ignore, i'm in the middle of a quarantine" button.

   How is everyone enjoying their free 30 day trial of communism ?

   I wish they could talk about something besides the Coronavirus like the world just stopped. Oh wait it did.

   it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter basket?

   The lockdown has made workout guru Richard Simmons popular again. It's like taking exercise advice from a marshmallow.

   CORONA VIRUS TIP: If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

   I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

   Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day. Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day. Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

   Good Morning Inmates

   Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

   Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

   Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine? Wife: get a babysitter.

   My initial goal is to get really, really fat and be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.

   Sam Adams is the main reason I know what season it is.

   I pretty much have this social distancing thing down to a science. I go out with no pants on. No one comes within 50 feet of me, let alone 6.

   This isolation thing is going to make Palm Sunday mean something completely different to a lot of people.

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed