Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Pimpin

   Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

   Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?

   I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

   watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide

   call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight

   I shoved a hot moist piece of meat in my mouth. first time I really felt dirty from having a bbq

   How come there can't be one less Justin Bieber

   I bet him anul if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week

   I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my a$$.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

   A stripper just got mad at me for saying godd@mmit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

   Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

   Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my p*nis".

   Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

   May 4th is Star Wars Day. I hear to celebrate you have to go back to your parent's basement, spend all night alone in a costume, then retreat under the covers with a wookie photo, two cinnabuns, and a flashlight.

   Damn predictive text! I swear, I honestly didn't say I wanna kick your puppy

   A. B. C. D. E. F. G. Someone should've told you not to fu ck with me

   Real men don't cry........ Real men point and laugh at the fag thats crying...........

   wonders if the neighbors realize just how slow their Internet is...geezus I've been trying to watch 48 hours mystery for the last 2 hours!

   thinks that, that Veronica Vaughn is one piece of "ace"....I know from experience!!