Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Martial Law is declared, do we stack the bodies of the home invaders and burglars at the curb on Trash Day? Asking for a friend.

   Gotta say that the class of 2020 outdid themselves with Senior Skip Day this year.

   Many parents are about to discover that the teacher was not the problem.

   IS: We are reluctantly laying off all suicide bombers , due to insufficient crowd sizes.

   I Love octopus. Tried to cook one the other night and took me 5 hours. The sucker kept turning off the gas.

   HOUSEWIVES: Save money on expensive gadgets by changing your name to Alexa and obeying random instructions from everyone in your household.

   Your pets are going to light your sh*t on fire in rage when you start going out again post quarantine, fyi.

   If soap kills the virus maybe these tide pod eating idiots had a point

   The worst homeschooling class has to be Sex Ed.

   I am so bored, but not ckean house and do laundry bored.

   The buttons on my jeans have started Social Distancing from each other.

   I can't believe we all have to suffer, just because some idiot really wanted to eat under-cooked bat soup.

   I bet people's pets are just loving this quarantine

   Who would have thought.. the unemployed have become subject matter experts on staying home

   Keep your eyes on the road and don't get worried when you see someone naked on a front porch. It's probably just a healthcare working coming home after their shift.

   Go ahead and hide out there now Waldo. Jerk.

   Day 17 of isolation: still have food and toilet paper. Also, notice a small flock of very large birds are circling overhead, watching over me in a protective manner.

   I eat those silica gel packets because consumer electronics are not the boss of me.

   I judge people based on their email address.

   Chances of me doing anything at work today are about hahahahahahahahahahaha%.