Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For once in my life I think I found a new diet that really seems to be working for me! That called " I better not eat too much as I'm starting to run low on toilet paper"

   A 17-year-old whose death was initially linked to the novel coronavirus despite not having any previously reported health conditions was denied treatment at a California medical facility. Very Commie of them.

   What is all this talk about sacrificing grandma in order to boost the economy??? You people are sick!

   Learned two lessons today. 1) Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting. 2) The staff at The Olive Garden are very narrow minded.

   You think it’s hard to train dogs? We can’t even get people to sit and stay

   I never thought that giving up going to work for Lent would be so easy.

   Tried oscillating today! Not a fan!

   We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

   Tiger King is like watching the UPN Network version of The Lion King, produced by Jerry Springer.

   Remember on 'The Wire' when the drug dealers in Hamsterdam were like, "Got that pandemic!"? HBO should do a 'Where are they Now?' episode...

   Have I ever been in a stable relationship? I’m not into livestock, you sick twist. What’s wrong with you? Why did your mind even go there?

   Finland has closed its borders. Now no one can cross the Finnish line

   Studies have confirmed that women can significantly increase imMunity to COVID by ingesting semen.

   Darn Facebook is so packed with traffic I had to walk over from Instagram as someone parked in Myspace.

   Are Liquor Stores considered essential businesses and therefore required to remain open? Asking for a friend.

   I just auditioned for a play about the toilet paper shortage because they said there might be a roll for me.

   Beware everyone!! There's emails going around saying if you eat tinned pork, it will help avoid Covid. Please ignore as it's only Spam

   I put four beers in each room of the house, now I;m going to get cleaned up and go bar hopping

   Does anyone know if we should take showers or just keep washing our hands?

   It’s so hard to explain puns to an atheist. They take everything literally