Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint

   Why is it that everyone is either trying to preserve or disprove who they were in highschool? We were all a bunch of midget dipsh*ts making minimum wage covered in pimples

   KFC is donating money towards breast cancer. They don't want anything killing their customers except heart disease.

   i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

   Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...

   If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it

   not as thunk as you drink I am occifer...i was just podging dotholes...

   I bet the last song LIL WAYNE wants to hear in prison is LICK IT LIKE A LOLLIPOP

   Facebook knows me better than anyone

   owns youtube, facebook, gmail, messenger and microsoft office. Now will you go out with me?

   must be the only one that has no idea wth a bieber is...the news is constantly giving alerts "just in..." Should I be frightened?!

   tall people get tired of you askin them to reach stuff on store top shelves, imagine askin midgets to opick yur change up off the floor at the register when dropped?

   wonders if Vancouver city cab drivers are prepared for Chicago Blackhawk Patrick kane's arrival.

   it looks like my 401k took in the rear by some greeks

   Pat Robertson is now blaming the oil spill in The Gulf of Mexico on promiscuous dinosaurs.

   Paddy and Murphy walking down the road when Paddy finds a mirror He looks at it and says, "I'm sure I've seen this man before!" and then passes it to Murphy. Murphy then says, "You stupid idiot! That's me!"

   When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness

   give Tiger and Jesse a break. Obama is screwing the whole country

   Dear Terrorist, I don't get why you kill people in the name of God. If God wanted to take someone's life, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be asking for your help.

   life is short. have a ball, better yet have two