Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This other dude at a store just asked me if tulips were annuals or perrinials. I should probably change out of this pink shirt.

   Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.

   like the real live version of the state fair..

   What's better???????.... A hot woman drinking more than you or that same woman buying you drinks?

   a slurpee a day keeps the teacher away

   I'll give you an exact definition of "in love". When her bra and underwear match.

   Just read an article about the stock market, and there were three things in it that I didn't quite understand: Every, single, word.

   I'm waiting for the day Ziploc quits the pretentiousness with the sandwiches and just starts putting weed right on the box.

   A man asks a HOT woman "will you go on a date with me" She says "your not my type" Man Quickly replies "You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!"

   so, this guy is trying to sue me for sexual harassment in the workplace just because I like to flirt a little...good luck with that because I don't even work there!

   thinks his facebook has been hacked! I'm going to change my password to: titus_b12bomberraid.. That oughta do the trick!

   I gave Mr. Potato Head some weed.Before I knew it,he was baked.

   watching his 401k descend like a drug addled hooker with vertigo.

   Happy Nurses (and students) Day!!! *that doesnt apply to Nurse Sharks though!

   Alzheimer's can't be all bad. You get to meet new people every day

   I ate too much comfort food and now I'm a bean bag chair.

   From what I've heard, there are actaully people whose paychecks last all the way to the next paycheck! I know! I didn't believe it either.

   "Keep this just between you and me" is a guarantee everyone will know by the end of the day

   Job Application Tip: If asked "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?" the incorrect response is, "No, I pleaded insanity."

   The 7 deadly sins? Um... male camel toe, spamming, paying by check, using ALL CAPS, bogarting, leaving the seat up