Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Dude just told me that he's washing his hands more because of that "Coca-Cola virus."
←Rate | 03-05-2020 06:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.” - inventor of velcro
←Rate | 03-05-2020 06:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon *Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.
←Rate | 03-05-2020 06:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm at my most walk of shame when I'm wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
←Rate | 03-05-2020 06:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It's a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
←Rate | 03-05-2020 06:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How do you know you're allergic to cats if you don't even eat them?
←Rate | 03-05-2020 06:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Aerosmith started a Chinese cooking school. It was entitled Wok This Way
←Rate | 03-05-2020 06:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Women are like dog doo, hear me through, don't interrupt It's just the older that they are, the easier they get to pick-up
←Rate | 03-05-2020 08:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
←Rate | 03-05-2020 11:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Ebay, I bought a plunger from you three years ago and don't need any more notifications letting me know new ones are for sale like I'm some kind of plunger collector or have some kind of weird fetish for them. Thanks!
←Rate | 03-05-2020 13:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Botching a quarantine and causing an outbreak, because you hate Obama so much is a understandable thing to me.
←Rate | 03-05-2020 15:12 by Trump2020 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If the world was flat like some people say my girlfriend's cat would have pushed me off the edge years ago.
←Rate | 03-05-2020 16:00 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet
←Rate | 03-05-2020 16:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
←Rate | 03-05-2020 16:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
←Rate | 03-05-2020 16:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
←Rate | 03-05-2020 16:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only thing that can stop the Coronavirus is a good guy with a gun.
←Rate | 03-05-2020 16:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
←Rate | 03-06-2020 06:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon By the third kid you say stuff like "here's a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later."
←Rate | 03-06-2020 06:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall...
←Rate | 03-06-2020 06:52 Comments (0)  




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